


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,175 (Part II)

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [54]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 12:12:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8489206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: The weekly satirical saga continues, as Ben learns a valuable lesson on who’s the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him. 
www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com





	

Tatooine - Day 1,175 (Part II)

Boba Fett and I stood outside the massively dead space slug. We were drenched in its bodily fluids and surrounded by thousands of Tusken Raiders.

"Umm...," Boba turned to me, "I think we're screwed."

These Tuskens were different. Instead of the traditional drab sand colored wraps and robes, these warriors wore all red, blood red, and in place of gaffi sticks they held something that looked more like a pickaxe. I replied to Boba, "I've never seen so many sandpeople gathered in one place before, and wearing such colorful garments."

"Sandpeople?!" Boba seemed shocked. "Wow, you really are a racist bastard!"

"What?!"

"First off," Boba started, "they're Tuskens, not SANDPEOPLE. Secondly, they don't even live in the desert, they are cavern dwellers. This is the Mor'du tribe."

"Well excuuuuse me," I said, feeling more annoyed than I should have. 

The ocean of Tuskens parted and in the middle stood a large imposing figure. A female Tusken, taller than all the men, slowly made her way towards us. At her feet was a massiff, a reptilian dog type creature with razor sharp fangs and the temperament of a miniature rancor. Her mask was a solid piece of bronze with an eye slit, and chained ornaments dangled from the neck. She was obviously their chief, which went against all the other tribes’ patriarchy system. 

Without getting too close to us, she stopped and made a clicking noise at the massiff. The four legged creature came up to us and circled our feet, rubbing its armored spiked hide against our legs. Circling twice around Boba, the massiff lifted its leg and relieved himself on Boba's foot. The acidic urine started to melt away the outer layer of his boot. "Hey!" Boba yelled, shaking off the excess piss. 

The chief yelled something in her guttural tongue, and thousands of Tuskens cheered in unison raising their long pickaxe weapons. 

"You think they're deciding how to cook us?" I half kiddingly remarked. 

"Shut up, Kenobi."

The tall female chief barked orders at a couple of her men, who immediately ran up to us and removed our weapons. They confiscated my lightsaber and Boba's lightsaber and blaster, however they seemed to be unaware that Boba's Fett's suit was one big weapon. Our hands were tied behind our backs with rope, and they started pushing us towards the caverns opening. 

We were paraded past scores of warriors who yelled, what I can only assume were obscenities, at us in their grotesque sounding language. That's when I noticed a pit behind a row of Tuskens. As we got closer I could see that it was filled with at least a dozen of their dead. Many of the limbs were severed and placed beside the bodies. I took note of this bizarre scene. Another Tusken stood above the pit with a torch in his hand. 

A few warriors along with the chief and her massiff led us through a small opening into the cavern, which quickly opened up into an enormous foyer. There were stairs and other tunnels leading out of this main room. I was surprised to see that the rock walls were the same color red as the Tusken's garments. Families of Tuskens gathered in the main entry way grilling animal carcasses and socializing. Hundreds of mammoth moth-like creatures flew around towards the top of the cavern. As they flapped, their wings glowed brightly, which put out enough light to keep the caverns lit in a beautiful yellow hue. 

The chief continued to escort us down a corridor just off the main room. It was slightly darker and sloped downward. When we reached the end, I noticed holding cells carved out of the stone, with bars made from animal bones tied together. I gave Boba a "WTF?" look and he shrugged in response. 

The warriors threw us into separate cells across from each other, and then stood guard at the entrance way. The chief looked me up and down through the bone bars and made some animal grunting noises at me before leaving the area. 

With only two Tuskens standing guard, who obviously did not understand a word of basic, Boba Fett started laughing. 

"What is it?" I asked.

Taking a moment to gather his composure, Boba said, "Do they really think these cells can hold us?"

"I don't think that's the point."

"So what is the point, Kenobi?"

I refused to play Boba's game any longer. "We're not going to find Owen and Luke here, are we?"

Boba grew quiet for a moment, then gave the bone bars a slight kick with his foot. "What makes you say that?"

"Alright," I was getting mad now, "you want to play the part of a stupid clone, go right ahead. You saw the Tusken bodies outside?" I didn't wait for an answer. "They had wounds that could only have been made by a lightsaber. Meaning, Jabba sent us down here so that I would kill Maul for him."

"It wasn't my idea." Boba sounded pathetic. "The Empire hired Jabba to take care of Maul. But the funny thing was, Jabba was already planning on taking him out. I guess a few years back Maul killed some of his family and forced him to get involved in a war on Mandalore."

"Yes, I'm aware of all that." My thoughts wandered to Duchess Satine. What a babe she was, and totally into my whole Jedi thing. That is until Maul killed her right in front of me. My longing turned into a surge of guilt remembering that Beru was on Takodana about to have our love child. So many confusing emotions. The life of a Jedi really sucked ass sometimes. 

Then I heard an all too familiar voice coming from down the corridor. "What a pleasant surprise, a caged Jedi and his Mandalorian dog."

There was the click-clacking of boots being weighed down by metallic feet, coming closer and closer. Click-clack, click-clack, click-clack, then silence. My heart was racing. 

The horns were the first thing to enter my line of sight. Red and black skin was next. Finally, Maul, my greatest arch nemesis stood before me. 

"Kenobi," he smiled, then lunged his lightsaber into my cage.


End file.
